so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
