She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
