Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You took a bar mat shot.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
