My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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