i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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