I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
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Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
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Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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