I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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