There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
