I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
