if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
operation harelip BJ is a go
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
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I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
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This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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