oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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