a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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