i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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