I met the friendliest cop last night
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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