My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
