Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
