I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
