is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
