my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
