Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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