I hope mine doesn't look like that
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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