A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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