the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I faked an abortion last night.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
