I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
