Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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