im six kinds of drunk right now
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
