I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
