I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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