Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
