We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
