what day is it and did you see me today?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
