can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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