I just pynch a tree in the face
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
