I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
