i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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