Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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