I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
