Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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