dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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