I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
