dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
