That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
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Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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