Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
