She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
