Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
