Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
