I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Randomize
