xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
