someone owes me an orgasm
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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