If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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