I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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