I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
