i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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