i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
