bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
