How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
