can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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